Being Bullyed Memories
Due to a great amount of stress, not finding my true self in this world, automatically reacting to life’s imposed agenda, all has driven me to a sort of body failure which I’ve been dealing with for a ..while. Loneliness is a bliss when you realize its necessity to grow and make such a time valuable, make every moment count, because now is the turn I remember what has caused me this illness. So, now is also a time to remember how Bullying and not talking about it had negative consequences on myself. Some who read this might start thinking that I am playing a victim who needs to tell ‘the world’ about her issues and to get attention and is just needy. The thing is, I used to care so much about how others perceived me, that I had to understand how unimportant that really is. But I still have to go through some purgatory self scenario to burn those ashes, and like my astrological symbol of the Phoenix, that magnificent bird has to do its thing! When you have Dreams, people who don’t dream, don’t understand. To them you are whether a sociopath, a loser, to cut it short: the black sheep. ‘You Dream? Pff..what a waste. You’re so unrealistic and wasting your time.’ So, my Dreams exceed.
It’s been mostly an emotional kind of bullying for me, but there have been others females and males, more boys who have tried to show their ‘superiority’ by brutal physical force, too. The cruel bullying started when I was returning from studying abroad in Egypt, coming back to my land, Romania. It was the end of the 4th grade in Romania’s school schedule, many tests to pass, then the summer break. Yeah, you know that moment when an outsider is being introduced to a classroom and the teacher asks someone from the pupils to share their desk-place. Back in my school days, there were two chairs for one desk, so one kid had to
‘sacrifice’ to accept me next to her. It was a nice girl who had to change the school after some time. You see, my parents, especially my father – who died in my arms years ago; not going to get much into that – worked and worked and worked ..and worked, until .. which got a lot of envy even from the students and the teachers.
Right. Thanks to great minds from http://giftededu.ro/ , few friends who have accepted me as I am or the freak that I am, I am now more aware of the fact that being different can make a difference for better. Probably Romania is not the place for me to do that, it might be for others. After recently watching some TV shows about the educational system that still rules Romania comparing it with what is happening in schools in Finland, and a lot more, it is so clear, that even after I was done with all the ‘schooling’ ( University/Master Degree – so much ‘schooling’), absolutely nothing has changed. This is where you can find more about the TV shows concerning Romania’s educational crisis https://www.facebook.com/RoTeIubesc?fref=ts
Okay. I went a little off the past and too much into the present. The 4th grade was near finished. Wasn’t that bad and then I realized one of my classmates would be my neighbor in the same condominium and another one living right next to the building we shared. I thought it would be cool. I respect friendship to an extent that it’s still difficult to put into words. When you find that person with whom you can be completely yourself and TRUST fully with anything, distance won’t affect the friendship, nothing would, not even silly quarrels .. but then ‘errors’ happen and some only pretend to be your friend or BFF. I wanted to trust and I made wrong choices, but from all of these experiences I have learned and still learning. It’s interesting to believe you are inviting your BFF into your personal zone, only to later understand that was just a pretender. One of these “BFFs” was also a classmate. Not sure why, but one day she just flipped. There was also a boy in the same classroom who liked me and I liked him, perhaps this was also one of the reasons many created like a ‘secret circle’ to join forces against me. The boy was weaker than myself. Other girls, including this “BFF” fancied him too and even though another girl liked the same boy, those two hated each other but joined forces to make it so that him and I could not be together. Hmm how to explain it with more clarity? There were kids who created for themselves sort of groups where there was a leader, many were bitchy girls who envied everyone else and believed that they were the smartest, prettiest etc. Weak links attracting weaker links to try to pull down a strong one. There is a specific expression for this group in Romanian, in English I might translate it to “little Churches”, meaning that a group is made of those kids who focus on hate and negativity, actually this reminds me of the awesome movie – one of my favorites – “21 jump street”, I think you know what I mean. I didn’t really belong to any group. I mostly hanged out with ‘the rebels’. It was the same through high school. Not much different during the University experience, but I cared a little less…not less enough, though.
All through the 5th grade to the end of the 8th grade was about being bullied and forced to the point that the bullies conspired with the teacher master, so that I was left alone in the back of the classroom. Those ‘brilliant’ students made false statements to the teachers, especially the class master, and they had to believe the ‘A students’, right? This “BFF” was one of the Bully-leaders. One day, we were between classes, on a break. She passes by my desk and I stand up and ask her:
– Why are you doing this to me? I have not done anything but to be your true friend. So, why?
– Because I want to, I can. I really don’t like you.
She smiled and moved on. She used to invent lies about me and spread them to everyone and to the boys she told I had erotic dreams with some of them. One boy – yes, I still remember who you are – pointed at me and shouted out loud in the class “HEY! I was told you just had a wet dream about me!!! LOOK AT HER!! Haaaaa “
Then, for a while I thought I could make new ‘best friends’, only to find out they were in contact with the bully-leader girl and they were always in contact informing one another about anything .
I remember you all: the teachers who were on the same Bullying pattern, on it with their A students, yeah, ALL. But it also feels like cleansing, writing about it.
This is really a short and incomplete version of what Bullying was for me, but it’s important that such stories of people who share them – and it’s not that easy for me – to get a positive outcome and help those who are in similar situations to become stronger.
I have recently read stories about kids committing suicide due to Bullying. I wonder if I’d join Bullyville http://www.bullyville.com that would make a difference. I know about this Romanian project, but not too much http://www.taraluiandrei.ro/idei-din-tla/proiect-stop-bullying-id-729-cmsid-65
I’ll stop writing for now and post some lyrics from one of my favorite musicians whom I appreciate SO, admire SO and support as I can, thinking he will recover soon and get back to the scene.
‘I am terrified, I think too much,
I buy every cry, cause I don’t trust,
I am terrified, I think too much.
[…]
Loneliness is the key to break that spell.’
IAMX – I am terrified
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“Who put the mess in your head? Filtering the sense of all you could have said Who stole the words from your mouth? So twisted in contagion and reaching out If this is the lullaby then Why am I not sleeping easy? If you leave me alone,I will come home”
IAMX – Lulled by numbers
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“Every book is read and I’m paralyzed
Every fist is clenched, but I’m so tired
[…]
Look at me, what have I become
I am lost I was once a gentleman
But the thief came out in my London town
So I must leave you now
But I will remember the ups and the downs “
IAMX – Volatile Times
infinitefascination 